you can change but why am i afraid of it and why do i choose to be frozen and ignore what i need to do for myself why do i lose motivation to chase after what i want and let myself be molded by people ii love enough to let them mold me
i change myself for them
not for me? no matter what i do im running away from myself
i think about going back to numbing myself with drugs everyday even when im experiencing an achievement high momentary monetary “success” it was easier blowing out all my paychecks on alcohol xanax acid coke plane ticketsit was easier for me to be half awake and doing the minimum it was easier for me to be “good” at my job when i would spend half my day zonked out and barely trying but now that im trying
it feels harder for me to keep my head above water like im swallowing water from the ocean everyday feels longer than the last and it builds up until i can cry if i can cry but i cant my brain just slowly shuts down and im stuck feeling like i have bricks in my chest i can barely move i can barely wake up my sex drive is nonexistent my compassion for others is tested but more importantly im losing myself
im scared that there will be a when
what am i doing being here now when i should be there
i don’t know how to be happy around other people
i am happy in front of other people
i am happy when im with the people i love but it is all just an act because i am dying inside to go home and stare blankly at a screen to stare blankly at myself to curl up in bed and be free from judgement from myself
im being watched by myself i want to be free